Entrapment

I feel as though I've lost touch with reality, but every body does right ?. But why?

I know I have no fucking clue.

I find my self avoiding people in general. 

I've grown to learn not to have anybody interrupt things in my personal life, such as girls 

OR how I'm truly feeling when it comes to the things I think are important to me  

I like keeping that to myself in tell I'm good an ready to expose her and me,"who ever that her will be"

Or an issue I might come across not wanting anyone to know 

I don't like for the same shit to happen more than once, so I avoid that to the best of my abilities. . 

I really do think that a majority of people a dumb ass's 

Because every one knows that when you get in someone's business 

Generally it doesn't end well,  but people do it anyways 

Just to start something or to give them selves a rush of power of you 

I've token a vow not haven't anyone interrupt the moments in my life that I cherish dearly

I don't want stupid things to fuck me up from what a person has said or thinks about me 

And of course people will say that's impossible, but its not. 

See the difference between you and me is 

I talk so much, people actually come to think that I've told them every 

but really i've just told them what they want to hear

or give them a hypothetical clue that they won't get, that is really,  as clear water.

Most people have folks that they can come to and get things all out and 

Then sit there and help with what ever you need 

That's called a wife, husband, sister and brother 

I have no girl/wife  

I'm not straight so I definitely don't have a husband 

I just got in contact with my brother on face book and he's 2 years younger than me 

and my sister is 6, so she not even near the been there done that stage 

But even after all that I really can't find myself trusting anyone, so my only hope is that maybe I'll find her 

Entrapment...........    

Today Is My Birthday/ May 10th.... ugh

Today 6 years ago I invision me at 18 having a car, even if it was 500 dallors worth, and a job even if it was cleaning up shit, and a good amount of money to work with, and to be able to go to college even if its a community college and I would pay myself though by working in a fast food restaurant.
You know....things that make you feel whole, and as you see that wasn't much to ask for of my self.
but hey you live and learn right...  I don't  think this earlier in life I would ask for something out of reach.
Like wishing and praying for million dollars or I should have my own house by 24. The way I think is wouldn't you have to have a family to live in a house? So I pick things like my own apartment or condo.

my satandards are not low its just I'm not going to put my self at a greater risk to fail over all.

Especially when I feel as though, I failed already. 

I didn't say I invisioned a me deeply in love or having the best clouths and the best looking car. Or being able to go to clubs or parties and have everybody who encounter me like me, and have a loads of money. You have to be realistic sometimes. Its ok to want things but don't get it mixed up in what you need. It doesn't mean your standards are low, it just means that you dont' think you need those things to live on at the time.

Like people brought houses off of banks loans, now their barely making it. America with these commercials makes everything seem so easy to get. People are putting their lives at stake because they think they can afford it. It just seems like people are not reading the fine print, or taking notice to the overwhleming feelings they have a the pit of their stomachs. Maybe its because they think its a good gamble or they wasn't taught well enough....shit who knows. I just know it happens and I don't want it happening to me.

I'm not a person who just lives in the moment. I'm just a person who don't plan that far ahead because anything can change. Most of the time when things change you have to rush and do things. I just plans things out that will give me a little more room for the changes that I might encounter. Yeah sure it might be a little unorganized at times but I rather be in a position that I can fix. Rather than being in a position I can't get out of.

Well... That's A Slap In The Face

Everybody thats older than me by one or more years keep saying that, I'm intelligent and very smart
BUT.... to be truthfully honest I don't feel that way, I mean my peers see me as the jokester
OR they know me as a  person who comes in class and never really do my work but
I past my test without studying, while others studing the night before and ect...

Another reason why I don't see my self as that smart of a being is..... Because I have ADHD
When I was younger my annoying behavior used to get me in trouble, so I would be suspended
which means I wouldn't be in class for about a week or three days
I never have failed anything but many times have came extremely close to the point where my mom would have to beg in some sort of way to keep me from being left behind. So that lead to the school would putting me in small classes sounded by people not on my level literally! 

I always thought ever since I was six, that the only way to be smart is to remember... what I mean by that is

If you learned something that has been taught to you for a whole week monday- friday then saturday you forget 90% of it......did you learn it? you'll just make up shit if you only 10% left... right
If everyone forgets to remember then you wouldn't be smart, because everytime you learned you forgot.
The only way humans evolved into what we now are is our ability to comunicate and remember... because we have to remember what was said right? then that leads to history books, and folk tales and the gaining of knowledge and so on...

The AD in ADHD means Attention deficit which in-turns means I never really focus and I will forget
I never found out really what I really had I knew I wasn't like everybody else I couldnt get into AP classes for the Advance student my mom thought it would have stress me out "that was her reason" or something people never thought of me being capable of really anything knowlegde based.

My family members saids "oh your so smart"  but as soon as I ask to be in a AP class is was a "OH HELL NO" which was a slap in my face to me, I said whatever because I knew it wasn't going to happen, I just wanted to see an reaction to what they were thinking. 

Thats probably  why I'm choosing to go into criminal justice in stead of being a biochemist. I never tried in high school because people would tell me I'm smart but then in turn say I'm not capable in a non-direct way like I'm retared, like I didn't know what the fuck they meant "no offence to those people" ... but damn REALLY  I'm not slow I just have ADHD



Since some people lack education it leads to judging 

Like when HIV & AIDS first came out in the USA they thought it was a gay mans disease.Then straight people started getting it and then they started saying GOD's wrath was comming and shit like that
SEE when you lack Education you say things like that

SEE... they assume I'm dumb...  I rather not say anything smart, because it leads into discussions. then those people start to argue with me and they find out how dumb they are and they be assuming I'm dumb for all these years they get all mad and start to cuss and me and go out into a real BITCH FIT 
When all they could've said was,  I 'll look that up... People hate to admit they were wrong.
Thats probably why people still believe in religion and folktales

My Story Begins To Unfold To Unanswered Questions

I lie awake with the bothering unanswered pressuring questions.

Why can't people accepted me for being me and I'm not talking about me being gay either? I'm talking about the way I think, religion, and how I speak. Why can't people just be happy with me wanting to have a decent life, a good life? Is that so hard to accept? I mean its not like I'm selling drugs, beating up people or killing,  stealing, lying or cheating. Why can't people accept the answer to the questions they just asked me? If your not ready for the answer then don't ask the question. How come people can't accept that I am a good person that doesn't have a religion. As soon as they find that out they want to be the first ones to recruit me like I'm part of a army. 

If I say I don't to be involved, then they say something like, "I will pray for you" or "the devil is always going to be right behind you" or "you need Jesus in your life". If I don't run and stay their long enough, they will start to tell me information in a question formation, like "you know being gay is a sin" or "did you know they day of judgement is coming really soon" or "do you not care about your spiritual life after death" or "have you ever went to church" or "did you know if you don't believe in God then your going to hell, here let me show you"  or last but not lease "do you believe in heaven or hell' followed by "do you worship the devil". 

When I say NO!!!! No No No No, to all those questions people have a facial expression like I just killed their mother and cut off her head and laid it down on their welcome mat and got away with the murder. 

I thought my problems were all solved just to find another one peaking within the darken shadows of  crippling falling building. Those type of people make my life a living hell. They seem not to understand why I picked that choice and it's definitely not because I'm gay. Most gays who are just like me would just say "I don't believe in that because I'm gay and you don't accept me anyways". 

But that wouldn't be my only reason, I have like 20 reasons

Thats not why I don't believe. I left that world behind for a reason but people are so judgmental about my reason. If it's true and I can't see it with my eyes followed by proof that you can back up, then thats what I believe. Not faith, nor hope, miracles, magic, fairy tales, cartoons, or a person who rose from the dead, because clearly dead means having lost life,  no longer alive. and die means to cease living; become dead; expire or to cease existing, especially by degrees; fade. Which basically means to me he was in a comma, because theirs still sin and many more sins to come. So where is the repent?

To die it would have to be when you body starts to decompose within 12 hours then you will start to smell and then your body will expand, swollen, skin will turn colors then fall of your bones. So you mean to tell me he was a walking dead person. Thats when the word miracle starts to pop up and come in to play. See back their was no technology or a such thing as coma. 

Some mothers and fathers would die for their children, they know their not coming back. 

Why are people not paying their respects or even respecting their parents at lease you can see them. In less your parent are horrible and have bad parenting skills and know they wouldn't die for you or even help you for that matter then I can see why would not pay respects. 

that's only one my biggest reason for not believing. 

The second reason is................. 

I"M NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING THAT KILLED TRILLIONS OF PEOPLE OVER THE YEARS ALL THE WAY UP TO FIRST HUMAN BEINGS 

FOLLOWED BY..................... some don't even exist anymore

The Africans-  for 700 hundred years killed millions, raped, sold 

The Egyptians- the civilization is gone but their still living but their civilization was wipeout now you se pyramids and monuments with just tourists 

The Aztecs - wipeout same as Egyptians

The Mayans-  wipeout, same as Egyptians

The Native Americans -  killed 30 million, barely living now most live on reservations 

The Incas-  wipeout same as Egyptians

The Jews-  got kick out of their country then Hitler got a hold of them 

The early Australians   wiped out 

THERES NOT ONE PLACE ON THIS EARTH THAT HASN'T BEEN KILLED FOR RELIGION OR BECAUSE OF RELIGION

AND THIS IS ALL FOR A PERSON THAT HASN'T EVEN BEEN SEEN BEFORE

THAT MY SECOND REASON then theirs eighteen more.................... at less I have proof and show it instead of saying EVERYONE HAVE FAITH IN ME EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVN'T SEEN ME BFORE 

I come through swashbuckling with words of wisdom/ stereo typing

I so mad at how people proseve us as black people but who can I blame. It all about money and fame. Some of the music and movies that are put out are so offensive. They put out the bad stereo types and make it the only thing people see. I'm mean, how is tyler perry going to help black people. Every body knows that media influences people every since the damn radio came out. The things they the public sees does not define us. Other countries probably think we total dumb asses. The exact same thing white people degraded us to be for three hundred years. 
We decided to be.... 

W.E.B. DuBois instead  of Marcus Harvey. Settle for less and not fight for yourselves or what's right. 

Since some people care about money and money only. No one sees how this actually effects us as black people and how others look at us and also how we look as our selves. Most people are not born with self determination. So every time a black boy sees a movie about the father not staying with his kids or a man beating his wife or even being in a gang. That boy's emotions and the way he thinks may not be the same after he sees that movie. So if he does have a stable parent or self determination. Who is he going to be influenced by. 
People say you mind works in mysterious ways. I disagree. It goes in order, to what your eyes see and what you experience which basically lead back to what you see.  
If some one constantly sees a person cheating and getting away with it. Or people who kill and rob stores an molest kids. Of corse if their influenced by it, then they might think they can do it without getting caught too! 

Swashbuckling is the characteristic behavior of a swashbuckler, loud boasting or bullying, basically the person who kicks every body ass, then the crowd cheers for him or her like a super hero.

Stupid People.... Why Are You Afraid Of Meaningful Things?????

Being Frustrated 

The only reason why dumb people exist is because... well 
We don't want to kill you, and because... that would be bad 
We just simply don't know what to do with you 
All of you can't fit in jail because the people who do wrong go there 
But then again maybe jail would be good for you as long as you don't come out being muslim 
Maybe you will pick up a book and read it 
Instead of passing it by on the daily bases

I'm tried of listening to rappers who anit saying nothing
My ears are hurtin from being down grading to an ignorant nigga
Tried of hearing about shooting killing and fighting for all the wrong reason 
No one wants to be intelligent
Most people want to rep the bad behaviors.


Sometimes I dumb myself down unintentionally
Because that's what I'm surrounded by "idiots"
Who use slang words to describe how they feel
Instead of just saying I'm angry
Instead of being influence by Lauren Hill
You'll rather listen to lil Wayne


Yeah I'm outspoken so deal with it
But if your a dumb person who is a follower 
And your reading this
Of course your going to think what I said was wrong
But thats when fail to understand
That I don't give a shit!

What do I think 1

Ok... My psychology teacher stated that if your parents are smart, then it's because of your gene history. You will most likely end up the same way. I go on defense when it comes to that, because my real parents or aunts an uncles are not as bright as me. It's probably because, none of them bothered to go to college, and some didn't even finished high school and let life get the best of them. I think if your smart enough you wouldn't give up so easy. Plus if your getting that stress out, so much on not understanding class work with notes and teachers and other students that can help you. Then it's probably because your brain just want take you that far.

I was place in foster care when I was four. When I was six the lady I'm with now, that I call mother. She taught me almost everything I know. I was very exciting almost every time I learned something, that I understood while half of the class would be stressed out. I may not have shown it on my face that I was happy but, I was thrilled. I'm still am from this day. I wasn't locked up in isolation but I mind as well have been because I was born in the hood surrounded by people who failed in life and felt like the white man was bring them down. I know that's not true because if you were smart enough to know that if you get an education then all the possibilities are endless.  

I'm not dumb, which would be my point. He also stated that a child learns the most, between the ages of zero and five after that your basically kind of done. The example he use was, if your parents lock you in a cage or just totally isolate you between the ages of zero and five, The first things that go is common sense then you ability to communicate with humans properly. Example would be if you were that child who didn't learn in that age range. If someone gave the child a hand size ball then, you place a a rim that shaped like a ball. A normal child would just put the ball in what fits, common sense. The child that hasn't learned the basic, would probably put the ball in their mouth, and it would  take a couple of weeks maybe months to figure out, that they suppose to put the ball thought the rim.I don't think that applies to every one in less you been through something as big as getting isolated.

Back to my real mother she was smart but how can you be that not determine. If she raised me, would I be a dumb ass. Would I have been lazy and said "life got a hold of me". I believe that there is always some way to improve you life. You just have to get off your ass and start looking. 

What I'm saying is... Your smart right??? but your dumb decisions make you out to be the biggest dumb ass.

How many dumb shit decision willyou make in tell everyone can start calling you an idiot permanently  

Alone

I sit alone
Hearing voices I don't want to hear
If I could cover my ears for peace, without looking stupid
I would but I can't
Hearing foolish words, makes me feel dumb
Worn down from stupid talk
Makes me want to punch the person who's talking

Talking about ugly people
When the uglest shit in the room
Shoving food in your mouth
Spitting particles of food as you speak
Not knowing you sound so dumb

You keep going making your self look less apealing
I sit and wonder if anyone else thinks what I think
And I look across the table
And see a group of people laughing and pointing and shaking thier heads at you

Run Away "To Slow"

Its the ending of something great, i'll say
The awakening of an sleepless dream
In this dream I have loss my power
The riot of feelings that have defeated over the years
Has made its greatest appearance
They rooted themselves around me again
And the seeds of sadness and loss hope
Are reestablishing themselves once more again

The greatest fall of all time is me
The hands of time has taken its toll for good
And for my soul to know this information, it doesn't take flight
These feelings deep deep inside of me are weighing me down
Is it true my feeling, has come to tell me my fate
My emotions flow though me beating against
My walls that built steadily over time
Oh tortured mind... you should have been left me behind

Searching for something that no one can find
And now... I'm lost and confused
My heart is the torch, so I lit it
Where should I seek next but
The darkness soldiers have arrived
To blow out my flame forever in a life time 

Dr. Bitch Slap

Oh how I just want to slap the taste out your mouth
Im a telling you right you don't want it
You been hindering my happiness
Taking my nice-ness for granted
Im solid as a rock, but you keep throwing me against the wall
Now I have scars an scratches on me
I switch on power like superman 
Except Im Dr. Bitch Slap
Toast to the assholes Kanye West say's
but I disagree Dr. Bitch Slap is on her way 
To slap their ass-ness of thier face

Dark Mind

My soul darkens ...As if someone cares
Do I want it to be bright again ... who knows ... maybe

Trying to walk though clouds of darkness is hard
because there's no path to see
No matter how you try to wave  it out your face
It always puts it self right back into place

Just like people words........

I repress the dirty ass smug looks
That I see on your face
Even though it fits you perfectly

The names calls you give me
Saying that you hate me so passionately
An you have the audacity  to look me in the eye

You narrow minded FUCK
Could you really give a flying shit

Hurting peoples feelings is your job
An I thought your job was to worry
About yourself  but obviously
Your job isn't paying you enough

Subconscious Mind

In your mind something tells you that you shouldn't or should do something. Or maybe that forgotten thing, that you wanted to say but didn't. 


I catch people on an occasion, about to say something, but always end up saying. Oh it's nothing, or I was about    to say it but I forgot what it was.
That's get on my nerves, it can be confusing in a way.
Like if a person been with you for about two years. You know that they want to say I love you, or express their selves in a special way only you would understand. When their about to say those magic words their eyes look to the right, as their shoulders shrug to the left and they might even fiddle with their fingers, while taking long silent in takes of air. Then you say to them, what where you going to say.
Then they say, nothing. I was just thinking about what I was going to do tomorrow. It was on the tip of their tongue. Once again they fail to express their true feelings, but yet their strong enough to say that un-forgetful punch line.
Here's another one. Your parents, that always pushed you to be your best, because that would be the only way express them selves.
They also never say I love you that often. your parents show you though the things they give you. Or how hard they push you to be all you can be. Then when on their death beds they tell you how much they loved you. They tell you about the things they watched you do, and how they are so pound to have you for child. telling you all the things you wished you what have heard when you where younger. Now you finally heard it for yourself, an you also have some closure to express your love back to them. Unfortunately you only have an hour or less to say something meaningful back.... the meaning to this story was they said never mind for the longest time and now that they have no time they'd wish they have.


Here's another one. Your daughter who wanted to talk her parents just to have a conversation. It could be about something funny or stupid or maybe something serious she wants to talk to you about. Your parents are to bizzy. Your mother saids she has to cook dinner and she had a long day, your dad is not a very listener. Plus he say's he has to get up early in the morning to provide for the family so you can have a roof over head and blah blah blah. then he closes the door. To bad for the daughter she on had ten words in her question and her father say's that whole paragraph on just having to go to bed.... excuses excuses. Of course she gave up on trying to ask that one question. She just wanted to be respectful and listen to her parent tell her that they have no time for her. Thats what families are like to day it's kinda like you make excuses, because you probably think your daughter is going to talk to much.
Now when she comes to tell you something and you look back at your daughter waiting for her to say something so you can interrupt with an excuse. Then she does the never mind i just remembered. From that day on that what you will here. now she reaches out to other people to get that attention. as blunt as this sounds she becomes the whore of the school. The parents found out by the janitor, who was walking in the back hall ways. when he saw someone's daughter giving head to the boy she only knew for two days. Then the parent are shocked that your daughter has such low low self-esteem.


The meaning of that story would be people start going back and forth with the never minds and forget what's in between the line. then act shock as if you didn't see that coming when you where the cause of the situation.                  
      

WORD ASSAULT

Why do I let you continue with the word beating
Keep your mind to your self
I don't want to hear that shit

The ugly words that fly soo flowingly out your mouth
So vividly causes me to think vividly

For Now
Please Please !!!

Think before you speak to me
Because

The hurtful and shocking words that you bash a me
Are not bouncing off of me
Neither is it helping me

So please think before you speak at me
Because FOR REAL
You don't even know me
Well
At Lease
Not enough to JUDGE ME

Conspiracy In Love I Met You

In faith I thought you was going to be there
In the name of Love you said you were going be here
In natuality I felt something different
Not knowing what the feeling was
I just play pretend that the feeling was not there

Pretend playing house is bad enough
There's no way you can get out of it
Intell your eighteen
That's what they say

Well I'm tired of playing
Pretend with you
We can be adult about this
That's what we say

But how can one person
Out of two
Be an adult if
One still has a mind of a child

Or they wasn't the person
That you though they would be
Or maybe the ending
Wasn't what you thought it would be
SHIT... I wished I never met you

I Want To Be Not (Poem)

Up in your mind

There is the sky

Where you place your dreams

You want to be

When the sky turns dark

You see the stars

That’s what you want to be

You see the little stars

Who are alone

Then you see the middle stars

Who when all together

Make a brighter white light

Then you see the big stars

Fallen stars

                                                                                             

Who are far away?

They make their own light

Though it’s not as bright

Then you ask yourself

Why so little light

Then you wonder why

The middle stars have so much light

Maybe it’s because they are all together

Then you remember your mom

Telling you that

Sharing is key

Maybe she was right after all

Because later on

As years went pass

The big star

Died so fast

Description:

When you become rich or famous you see that the crowd you hang around becomes very small. but the middle class always seems to always work together.

NO EYES

The moments that I want to have are so far-fetched, missive is what I want to send. But you are so distinctly transparent with speed. I wouldn't be able to catch up with you to see you. loosen from your touch makes my heart harden,forcing me to slow down, preventing me from taking the next step in my life so i can just move on. Spread your wings and fly as they say but, I have no feathers on my arms. So how do I get to the next step, if there's no steps in front of me.     

Take Time and Do You

I like to do things very slow. I love to take my time, and that’s what a lot of people don’t have now a day’s. Some people don’t like to deal with me because I would rather take in the moments.  I know with all the cars and technology we have, I think were getting a little too comfortable. Things are becoming very speedy within weeks. We never really take time to enjoy what we really want in life like, spending quality time with your self or family members. I know it sounds cheesy, but maybe that’s why we as people are so messed up. No one has time for themselves or their family. How do you know your self or any one else if you don’t have time for anything.


When it comes to a job, people are so caught in the rush of wanted to live the rich life, that now a days people don’t even have that much time to spend with their kids anymore. Truthfully we spend most our time in school from Pre K to 12 grade, 7am to 4 or 3 pm. Then of course most parents don’t get home in tell after six or after eight o clock. Then you have 1 or 2 hours before your kid goes to bed. What are going to ask them? How was your day, and since you know that their going to tell the whole story you try to rush them by asking the next question that comes to mind. Not knowing that they realize what you did. Now when you ask your child how their day was. They give you the simple answers like “good”; “it was fine”, great or the famous one, “I don’t know”. They would never say some like, it was bad because then you’re going to ask why and they know that you’re just going to rush through that one too. Plus to top it all of, your kids actually don’t have time you either.


The new young generations that are coming into the work place of America should really choose their jobs very carefully. Choose a job that you can see yourself being at for a long time especially when you have a full time job. Try getting a job that doesn’t take up your time in life because, that’s not all life is about. No one can be perfect with no flaws but we can try to correct them and learn from them. But why have all these flaws? It’s because we don’t have enough time to think about our next step.


By the time your old, you are unable to do majority of the things you could have did when you were young, because of physical condition. To top it all off your body is changing back to the baby stage that you were born with. There’s no time for wishing when you’re old. You’ll have so much regret; you might even cause yourself to have a heart attack. A lot of times people miss the very things I call important. Like the facial expressions people make, or say, people walking on the side of the road. The sky and just earth itself, animals sound effects like the wind or a car passing by.


Most people think their whole life deals with finding a soul mate and having a perfect family as soon as possible, having the best job, becoming managers or making 400,000 dollars yearly. Even with all that, people fail to realize that you can have all that satisfaction. You can still not know what the meaning of life means.

That would be me in the train taking some time off to enjoy my self with one off my male gay Best friend